Feature Article from Conscious Dating Singles News
DATING RED FLAGS
by RCI Coaches
(The opinions of other authors in this article are not necessarily the opinions of
Jess Kennedy Williams)
Red Flag #1: I Don’t Want to get Married (again)
Some single people say they don’t want to get married. I believe they have not met the right person yet. If you’re dating someone who says he or she doesn’t want to get married, listen closely. They might be telling you that you’re not the one for them. Don’t ignore it, or think you can change them.
If you’re in love with someone who doesn’t want to be married, you could be wasting your time and causing yourself unnecessary heartache. If you’re happy just dating this person, then by all means, stay where you are. If you want more out of the relationship than he or she is able to give, it’s time to consider moving on. This way you’ll be available when you meet the right person who can’t live without you.
Jess Kennedy Williams
www.HeartbreakFreeDating.com
Red Flag #2: Inappropriate Touching
Touching is a way of getting closer and more intimate with another person, and it will come as dating progresses. However, if you’re on a date with someone who touches you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, then tell him or her immediately. When it comes to your personal space, people need to be invited in. If they’re not invited, they need to leave. It's that simple. Someone who would touch you in such a manner, after you have asked them not to, should not be trusted. They are showing a lack of respect for you and are displaying behaviors that you should avoid. If they respect you and don’t touch you inappropriately again, he or she might have misread your signals, and perhaps, he or she deserves another chance. In any case, proceed with caution.
Jess Kennedy Williams
www.HeartbreakFreeDating.com
Red Flag #3: Inappropriate Conversation
I like to call this red flag "just add water intimacy." We live in a culture that has little tolerance for delayed gratification, and unfortunately, it’s no different in the dating community. It’s easy for singles to get into the "urge to merge" mode and speak before they think.
Launching into conversations that include intimate details with previous lovers, financial and emotional challenges, and a laundry list of what one is looking for in a relationship seldom sets the tone for getting to know the other person. One may think this behavior promotes intimacy, but instead it’s more like pseudo-intimacy, where you actually believe you know the person after an hour of conversation.
How would you initiate a conversation with a new friend? Take the time to get to know someone just as you would with anyone with whom you would like to develop a friendship. Ask about their interests, their work, and their life experiences. Be curious about their goals and dreams. After all, aren’t romantic relationships really the ultimate friendship?
Lois Barth, Coach
Red Flag #4: Words and Behavior Aren’t Aligned
There are two ways to consider this red flag. First, humans are inconsistent and incongruent people. We say we want to lose weight and then we eat like crazy. In certain situations, some disconnect between words and actions is to be expected. At the same time, one of the ways we learn to trust someone is by looking at someone’s track record – that this person does what he or she says they are going to do, and with very few exceptions.
The important things to notice are their patterns over time. Does this person say one thing and do another? Does he or she make promises and then break them? Does this individual always place the blame for not coming through on someone or something else?
All of these things can be warning signs of a problem. Here’s the bottom line: If you have to choose between believing the words and believing the behavior, go with the behavior every time.
Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT
Red Flag #5: Jealous of Your Family and Friends
Jealousy is a major red flag. Your family and friends are a large part of who you are; they bring richness, variety, and support to you. I can’t see any way to win if your partner wants you to cut them out of your life. It’s true that your partner must come first, but a relationship that has no room for others—or only room for your partner’s others—leaves you isolated and vulnerable.
I once had a friend whose new husband insisted that she limit her contact with her parents. Ultimately, she was driven to sneaking around and calling them from work. Not only did this place a huge burden on her, but it also established a lack of honesty between the two of them—definitely not an ideal foundation for a lasting relationship.
A relationship that is not, at its heart, based on total honesty, openness, and support cannot survive. Even more so, it’s typical behavior for an abuser to isolate his or her spouse from their support system. If you see this red flag in your partner, run like crazy!
Sandra Rohr. MA
Red Flag #6: Addictions
Your partner might be addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex—or anything else. If your partner is addicted, he or she cares more about the addiction than about you. Living with an addicted partner is like living in a threesome: you, your partner, and the addiction, which, itself, takes on a life of its own.
In this threesome, you can never win. The addiction is always more seductive and more powerful than you or your partner. You’ll only have the leftovers. It is damaging and painful for you to come in as a distant third.
You deserve a partner who is whole, healthy, and able to give whole-heartedly to you and your relationship. Before committing to a partner, be sure that he or she is more in love with you than with something else.
Sandra Rohr. MA
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